Dizzy Dreamer

Baby looks like a baby now. Bobby and i have an appointment next week for an ultrasound. Gonna see our little one wiggling and moving. Its gonna be nice. I cant wait

But I’m lucky since I haven’t gotten extremely sick, and my first trimester is practically over, so hopefully I’m safe from it!

Next week, Bobby and I have our 11 week appointment, I’ll be exactly 11weeks and 3 days, and we’re going to get an ultrasound and be able to hear the baby’s heart for the first time :)

Last night, i woke up in the middle of the night at around 1am.

I couldn’t fall back asleep because I was so worried about the call I was going to get this morning about how my pregnancy is doing.

Because my doctor was afraid that I might have an ectopic pregnancy

I was terrified.

Last night I laid in bed and the only thing I could think of to do, is pray.

So I started to.

And I did this for about 20 minutes at least, crying and everything.

Near the end of the prayer, I asked God if he’d make me a deal.

I asked him that if I forced myself to stop smoking all together, eat healthy, and do everything in my absolute power to keep my baby safe, that he would do everything in his absolute power to keep my baby safe as well, to keep him or her growing healthily inside of me until he or she is ready to come out and meet me and his or her family.

With that deal, I went back to sleep and woke up feeling much better about the situation.

I also woke up wanting a cigarette, and I would think about having one every so often but I would whisper to myself “NO, you promised God. Remember your deal.”

This morning I got a call from my doctor, and they said that they must have forgotten to take my first blood test, because I was supposed to get 2 within 48 hours to compare and see what kind of progress the pregnancy is making.

So I had to rush to the hospital to just barely make the 48 hour cut.

I came home and went back to sleep.

I wake up to a phone call from my doctor

I look at my dad, and say “Moment of truth..”

I answer, and she tells me that everything looks completely normal and that my HCG  (preggo hormones) are growing at a good pace.

I almost began to cry.

I was so relieved.

Thank you, God.

I truly believe this is your doing.

she told him that she’ll be supportive of us in whatever we do.

but then she texts me in its almost like she’s trying to make me feel bad for bobby and try make me decide not to keep the baby because i should feel bad for bobby and because he’s young and not ready.

well, i’m only a few years older than him.

i’m young too.

and i wasn’t exactly prepared for this..

but it happened, and everyone needs to get the fuck off my back acting like it’s a decision like what outfit im going to wear tomorrow.

it’s fucking not.

don’t you people think i’m already under enough stress without making me feel MORE guilty?

yes, i’ve considered my options.

yes, i know how hard it’ll be.

ive seen it first hand.

bobby’s mom knows.

she wants me to come over tonight..

im shitting my pants.

I only slept for maybe, 4 hours, maybe 3.

I woke up to my phone going off because I got in touch with my mother’s boyfriend

who is the only person that I know who can get in touch with her

and I want her to be apart of my pregnancy and birth

and then the baby’s life.

after all, she is the grandmother.

I don’t think her and bobby’s mom would get along though..

they seem very a like actually..

they just went down completely different paths in their lives.

also this morning, eve commented on one of my pictures

even though i’m not friends with her on facebook. i hate that about fb now.

eve is the girl who was supposed to be one of my best friends for years

who went behind my back to try and steal my boyfriend of 3 years.

TWICE.

once in 2009, and once in 2011.

the first time she was a booty call for him, she was trying to get pregnant because shes a psycho bitch.

the second time she had some sort of secret relationship with him while i was dating him.

i found out, we broke up temporariliy.

i contacted her and she was saying all this shit about he loves her and not me and how i’m a whore and he could never love me

meanwhile, she’s the one fucking her “friend”s boyfriend. haha.

this was months ago, mind you.

probably around march-may of last year.

I commented back saying..

“i suggest you stay out of my notifications. I’ve never in my life been known to hold a grudge. I guess you changed that about me.”

I will never forgive or respect her after the things she did to me.

or him. don’t worry.

i feel so bad everytime i light a cigarette.

im just so stressed out, ugh.

i hate myself for this :/

I had a talk with bobby while we were laying in bed ready to fall asleep

he was laying weird, as always.

he was laying opposite me, i was laying with my head on the pillow, facing the right direction, he was laying with his head on my legs cuddling my lower body and looking up at me.

I told him my worries of him leaving. and how i really think we need to try our best to make us work. because its not just about us anymore. i tried assuring him that we’d be okay, and that i won’t pressure him into doing anything he isn’t ready for, like telling his parents until he’s truly ready.

He agreed with me on everything and was just looking at me and started rubbing my belly until he fell asleep a while later.

i found it a beautiful moment.

i eventually sat up and woke him up and asked him to lay right so i can hold him haha

and he did, but he ended up holding me.

he kissed me goodnight, we said our iloveyou’s

and he again, rubbed my belly until he fell asleep with me in his arms.

I couldn’t sleep, as always.

so i stayed up just thinking about everything.

about us. about him. about the baby.

what it’s going to be like.

i do love him.

but it seems like a different kind of love now

still romantic

but more of a bond.

it’s a love for my child’s father.

we will never have this with anyone else

our first born baby

it only happens once.

him getting me pregnant…

she looked him in the eye and said “please, never get a girl pregnant until you’re grown up and out of the house..”

Meanwhile, I’m at least 6 weeks along…

she knows.. somehow.

mother’s intuition I guess..

:/

I think they’re also what has ruined my relationship…

maybe if i explain this to bobby, he will understand a little more?

I’m super depressed tonight..

what the fuck is wrong with meeee ugh.

I feel like I have nothing to be happy about right now.

My boyfriend’s barely speaking to me

Couldn’t find anything on my ultrasound so god knows whats going on

My dad’s leaving for 4 days and I’m going to be all alone

I lost my fucking job

I have nothing to do all day but sleep and be sad

I have no friends what so ever.

And on top of all that

I’m lonely as fuck and I dont let myself cry

because when you cry you’re admitting to yourself that you’re unhappy

and when you admit that, you always feel it

because otherwise, you’d be cool just chillin and not bein sad

but not really being satisfied either

but i’m okay with that

but shit builds up you know?

I just want to cry.

But I can’t, I never can..

Maybe I’m just being hormonal.. but I don’t know.

I can’t tell the difference between hormone emotion or like.. legit, this is fucked up and I SHOULD be sad, emotion.

I just really miss bobby…

I miss the way he used to look at me

and how he always texted me until he fell asleep

how we both reserved our entire weekends just for eachother

how we talked about everything

him complimenting me, and always telling me how amazing i am

wrestling and tickling and just being stupid

what did i do…

how did i manage to fuck up the best thing that ever happened to me.

the sweetest most caring guy to ever step into my life

and i stepped on his heart and sent him on his way

but i expected him to still be there when i realized i was wrong?

what kind of fucked up sociopath have i become?

I didnt even realize that I loved him until I broke his heart.

now he doesnt look at me the same way..

and I cant do anything about it.

Yet, he stays.

why?

I don’t understand why he’s still here.

And I can’t tell if it hurts more that he’s still here

or if it hurts less..

With him still around, I see, daily, what I lost.

because he doesn’t look at me that way anymore.

he doesn’t text me til he falls asleep anymore.

he doesn’t constantly tell me how much he loves me and how amazing i am.

he doesn’t even want to see me…

but i don’t blame him.

why did i turn into this?

this could have been my last chance to really have something that was right

a healthy, sturdy, loving relationship.

and i had to twist it all around and make it complicated and hurtful.

I’m so used to having a psychotic boyfriend that I don’t even know how to handle and healthy one.

I always felt like something was missing

and i didn’t know what it was, but i felt like it needed to be there

but now I’ve come to realize that it was the jealousy

the manipulation

the lies after lies after lies

the insecurity

the fighting

the accusations 

the emotional abuse

the judgement 

the constant feeling of not being good enough.

this time… i was good enough.

but i went and fucked it up.

and even beside that my whole life is just falling the fuck apart.

I have no job.

no money.

my boyfriend practically hates me.

i’m pregnant.

I ditched all my friends to be depressed and isolated

I’m lonely as hell

and all I ever have the energy to do is sleep all day and be sad that no one texts me anymore

because texting leads to hanging out

which i never want to do with anyone.

WHY AM I TURNING INTO THIS BLACK HOLEEEEEE.

I need to change.

I can’t fucking live like this.

FUCK living like this, this is not who I am.

Honestly, all I want.. is just someone to love me.

someone to take care of me right now in my fragile state.

someone who’s okay with just laying around all day doing nothing but cuddling and eating.

I miss having someone who genuinely cares about me….

but why do i push everyone away now…

i miss my bobby..

:/

God, please help me.

If there were ever a time that I needed guidance from God, it’s now.

he wants to go buy me some maternity clothes after my ultrasound in a little while xD

I absolutely adore that he’s as excited for this baby as I am.

I just hope that my little nugget’s daddy comes around soon.

He can’t be there today for the first ultrasound cause he lives far and has school.

So, I think I’m going to text him a picture of the ultrasound and see what he says.

maybe it’ll get him to realize there really is a baby in there?

and that baby is going to love it’s daddy more than anything in the whole world, forever.

just like it’s mommy does :)